Thoughts on All The Salad Dressings In My Fridge
Are we not all just bottles of herbs and oils bunched together, trying to project a lifestyle?
Annie’s Goddess Dressing
The millennial champion of salad dressings. One day the iron-clad grip that Ranch dressing has on our cultural subconscious will be broken, and you, Goddess Dressing, you will be the one to take its place. Dads dining out in the year 2089 will ask the server robot to list all available salad dressings, even though they already know they will choose Goddess every time.
Ken’s Steakhouse Lite Honey Mustard
The certified thicc boi of salad sauce. This dressing is more of a blob or ooze. Ken’s Lite Honey Mustard, you barely liquid. The alternative lite honey mustard option is that Skinny Lady one that is just mustard seeds stirred into water. So your choices for a salad that tastes like chicken fingers are: sweet water or the actual Blob from the movie The Blob. An unstable concoction for an unstable time.
Specially Selected Parmesan Ranch
Gaining massive popularity in the ‘80s despite being very bad for you, and still holding dangerous influence to this day, Ranch is the Ronald Reagan of salad dressings. This new ranch has parmesan mixed with it. Like libertarianism, Parmesan Ranch says things that sound reasonable, hoping to distract you from the fact that it’s an instrument for societal collapse. It has the same energy as when Pizza Hut and KFC started being in the same buildings: Chaos weaponized for capital. Ranch mixes with things like chipotle sauce or Doritos, why are we bringing Italian cheeses into this? Honestly, I’m not even sure they really put any Parmesan in there, it’s just an artisanal sounding ingredient. Remember when we put “artisanal” on everything for a few years? I think that kinda ruined me. I own multiple wood cutting boards.
McCutchen’s Burgundy Poppy Seed
It is here you begin to suspect that perhaps there are too many salad dressings.
Wishbone Thousand Island Dressing
So, you wanted to make a homemade Big Mac during the pandemic? And now this 12-ounce bottle will probably be with you longer than your dog, another impulsive pandemic decision. You may reluctantly get rid of a third of your books the next time you move, but somehow this bottle of thousand island dressing will see your next apartment.
Newman’s Own Ceasar (the oil-based kind)
The unblinking eyes of Academy Award winner Paul Newman cry out for release. the Creamy Ceasar’s Paul Newman looks to be flesh and blood, but the vinaigrette Paul Newman is ancient weathered stone. Why do we do this to that man? Cecil B DeMille Award recipient, humanitarian, champion racer, father…and the real-life victim of what they tried to do to the ghost chef in Ratatouille. Put a little mustache on him for French dressing! Try on this ruffled collar, AYYYY WELCOME TO RUSTIC ITALIA. Once they gave him a Fu Manchu and a rice hat to sell their sesame ginger dressing, but that was very racist. Now they just dress him up like Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai, giving neither the culture nor the man the respect they thought it would.
Guy Fieri Dr. Pepper BBQ Sauce
I will not stand and be judged by this council today. Who among you has not sought the dark knowledge? Now I know what you’re thinking, and that’s that Guy Fieri’s Dr. Pepper BBQ Sauce is not a salad dressing, and you are right about that but let me explain why you are also wrong. Salad dressing is an instrument of free will - the last semblance of choice we often have in the world. You go to make ribs, or chicken fingers then you know what BBQ sauce you’re going to use. That’s locked in. Salads, on the other hand, are not passion projects. They’re functional and mundane. Salads make up 85% of your lunches, and would be a tangible metaphor for entropy were it not for the controlled chaos of salad dressing changing it up every day. Obviously, you bought it on a whim because like all of us, you sometimes stare into the void and wonder if it stares back. But now you have it, and it has to go somewhere in your fridge and I say that place is with the salad dressings. Now, I’m not saying you should put Guy Fieri’s Dr. Pepper BBQ Sauce on a salad. I’m saying Guy Fieri’s Dr. Pepper BBQ Sauce is an agent of chaos that salad dressings must respect.
Annie’s Lemon and Chive
They were out of Goddess, huh?